i fancy myself a bit of a life savourer. what i mean by that is i like to stand at life's buffet and try a bit of everything. so a long, long time ago, when i first tried my hand at post-secondary academia, i sampled a little christianity.
ok - who am i kidding. i dove right in: born-again pentecostal (though sadly i never got to speak in tongues, sigh), bible study groups, even the early-morning prayer marches around campus. yup, i did it all! i even practiced celibacy - to the dismay, i'm sure, of my boyfriend with whom i'd shared some red-hot fire engine sex for several months prior to my unfortunate conversion.
now, there are a lot of reasons for my foray into religious insanity, but i don't feel like getting into all that. i'm more interested in telling you the story of how i emerged from the holy water, back to my good ol' debauched self...
when school released me from its jaws in late april, i returned to my home. no longer subjected to the daily encouragement/chastising of my converter and other christian friends, the lord started to lose his grip on me. i stopped believing i was alcoholic. i stopped believing my instincts and impulses were actually the misguided whisperings of the devil. i stopped believing i was evil and going to hell.
i started hanging around with non-christians. i allowed the f-word and other such blasphemy to find its way into my vocabulary again. i started to smoke. i enjoyed the occasional alcoholic beverage (egads). i may even have smoked some marijuana. yet though his grip was loosening, still my fearful heart was squeezed in the good lord's frightful fingers.
and then i moved to vancouver, and discovered luvafair. every thursday and sunday night (nights without cover), you could find me sitting on the speakers (a luxury position placing me between floor- and speaker-dancers, where i could feel in the centre of it all), or on the dance floor, thrashing my hair and limbs about. and oh, i remember this so clearly...
week one
a song i didn't know began pulsing through me. oh, this is goooooood, i enthused, and jumped to my feet. frenetic and wild, it filled my pores with yes!! until the chorus belted out "god is dead, and no one cares," that is. the song: heresy by nine inch nails. as though god's hand had come down and smacked some christian sense to me, my limbs froze. sorry god, i murmured, and returned with bowed head to my seat on the speakers.
week two
there i was dancing like mad, and the song i did not yet recognize well enough again urged me to well up with energy. yes! yes! yes! i danced ferociously until the chorus snapped me back to god's fold. fuck. sorry god, i murmured, and returned to my seat on the speakers.
week three
again, i was compelled to dance. only this time, when trent screamed out "god is dead" i screamed with him. fuck you, god, and your ridiculous rules. fuck you and your archaic morality! i'm gonna fucking dance!!!
to this day, i consider that dance my final break from christianity. you could say trent reznor saved my soul.
now please, don't get me wrong. that christ fella had some interesting things to say. assuming anything in the good book is actually in any way close to what he actually said, i think he was a hell of a political visionary and we have a lot to learn from him. and buddha and confucius and muhammed and so on... but christianity made me more evil than my current debauched lifestyle ever could. i became judgmental, condescending, paranoid and i hated myself and all my instincts.
now, if you find a religion that actually makes you a better person, then i'll support you 110%. just ask my raelian brother... but if it makes you a bitch from hell, as it did for me, then trust me: slip on some trent reznor cuz you needs some proper saving.
4 comments:
although i know i'm supposed to respect your stand about christianity especially with the fact that this is your blog, i still feel the strong urge to tell you my own story about being a christian.
i too was converted on campus. and i also found a lot of things that didn't fit with my personality. so i started to backslide. but you know what, right now, i'm fine. i love God. He doesn't restrict. His commands aren't a burden. if there is anything that is hard to accept, it's the rules of the different churches. and it's probably because the church you were part of just wasn't the one for you. i'm sure you understand when i say you have a spiritual family out there.
i know you think Christianity made you less of a person. But i ask you, honestly and respectfully, what was so wrong with giving up vices like smoking and drinking? I mean, drinking is fine. The Bible only says that we should moderate ourselves in everything. our God isn't a legalistic God. If His not allowing you to dance to a song is your only basis for turning your back on God, perhaps you decided too soon about it?
i don't know. i don't like to say things like this because i don't like sounding preachy. believe me when i say that i am sorry for intruding on your blog and imposing on you. i just have this strong urge to tell you, Jesus loves you. I am praying for you and I know that even if I hadn't written this, you will make your peace with Him. i'm smiling as i write this because i feel so much love for you and i know that it is His heart that feels this for you. i feel so much for you because i have been through what you have been through. i will pray for you. God bless and keep you.
well spank my ass and call me bertha - i have a christian reader!
thanks cargwaps, it sounds like you've found your home in christianity and hey: bully for you! and i mean that sincerely.
for what it's worth, i have made my peace with "god" - it just doesn't happen to be your god. and yes, there's nothing wrong with moderation, and many christians can and do enjoy their small vices. in my little tale, the booze and smokes are meant to be a metaphor for more... but i'm sure you get that.
and thanks for the prayers. i'm sure you mean well, and i'm sure it makes you feel better. that's kinda the whole point. for some people, medidation fills that purpose. for some, friends do. whatever floats your boat, eh!
take care,
k)
trent made some powerful impressions on me too - so did 'god' for that matter. being raised in a strictly secular home due to the dubious honour of having my matrilineal grandmother excommunicated from the catholic church, i felt really lost as a child. i actually started inviting myself to church with a very strange but very devout neighbour family. i wish i could say it had offered me peace but it just made me more terrified. maybe it's just because i was a kid, maybe it was my church, maybe i'm just a freak but i found the delineation between 'good' and 'bad' people really scary. i didn't want people i knew and loved to be tortured for eternity because of a differing belief system. brrr. didn't like that god so much. anyway...no real point except to say years later in university, i embraced the doctrine of reason in a philosophy degree. didn't find all my comfort there either but i think i'm starting to find a happy medium. acceptance is so much better when it is not blind, i think.
Part-Time Ninja: thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. i hope you find what you are seeking... you certainly seem to be well on your way.
thanks for reading and thanks so much for sharing, it means a lot to me.
k)
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